Last night around 11:30 I found myself curled up on my couch reading about the slow dispersal of COVID-19 vaccines, shopping on Etsy, texting with a stoned friend who just made his first apple tart while I tried to decide which Ryan Murphy TV show I would watch next.
It all felt so very 2020, but in the best way possible.
My personal dumpster fire of a year began last New Years Eve with me refereeing a fight between my then two partners who made up our thruple, missing midnight entirely, going to bed grumpy only to awake in the middle of the night to vomit several times due to a stomach bug I picked up during holiday travels. (Feel free to take a moment to digest that sentence.)
Little did I know that evening would kick off the shit storm that would be my 2020 which included, but was not limited to: breakups, my pandora’s box of traumas being unceremoniously opened, smoking more cigarettes than I had my whole life, dissociative hazes, depression, toxic people pleasing behavior, more depression, generally treating my body like garbage, too much cheese, and levels of emotional pain that I did not know existed. And darkness.
So last night, when I found myself coming to profound realizations like Ryan Murphy churns out TV shows the way L. Ron Hubbard used to write shitty sci-fi novels and people think waking up in 2021 is going to be like when Eddie drives into Toon Town (and what will happen when they realize it is more of the same BS?!?) … I discovered something more important. I truly felt OK. Sure I was imagining the fun times non-specific (and of course some specific) people were having out there. Sure, I wished I could be laughing in person with my oldest friends about doing laundry on a holiday instead of just doing the laundry…. but I also felt OK just to be exactly who I am and as I am now. Which obviously led me to wake up and decide I should write about all of this on the Internet.
Well, not ALL of this. My dumpster fire is mainly for my therapist.
In the midst of all the darkness I experienced this year, one day, I decided that no matter how hard it was or how slow I got there, I was going to live my life for me. I’d finally make myself the priority I’d always wanted to be. I’m on this journey of self discovery, growth, healing and anything else that you can throw on there that will sound upbeat and positive… but it is a very crooked path and hard and weird and sad and lonely and challenging and maddening and all of all the things. So. I figured why not write about that?
I also know I am not alone. I know there are a lot of people trying to figure out where to go. There are other lonely souls. There are other people in dark places who could use to know that people get it. There are other weirdos on the similar paths trying to make sense of their existence and live life on their terms. There are those who are also ready to take control of the wheel, but haven’t a clue where to begin.
At another juncture in life, I blogged and my words helped a few people. Perhaps, I can do that again and find myself along the way.
